Need, desire, and outcome (in)dependence

This is a topic I've thought a lot about. Something that definitely needs to be reconciled if you want to be an enlightened individual but still live in and succeed in society. Because traditional social conditioning would have you work hard for the things that are supposed to be valuable to you (money, cars, houses, clothes, social standing). These things tend to be tied up into people's ego structures. That is to say that people in general tend to rate their own self worth based on how they stack up with the people around them in these specific areas. Not that these things aren't valuable or important, but your self worth needs to be seperate from what you have and how people respond to you.

Interestingly enough, when you feel good about yourself always, and can then choose what you want to add to your life or focus on, everything that you want seems to fall into line. This is the difference between desire and need. If you feel that you will not be whole, if you will not feel good about yourself or are afraid others will not think positively if you do or do not do something, you are coming from a place of lack. This is needy. This is outcome dependence. You need a certain outcome, a set of circumstances that is for the most part outside of your control, to end up working out so that you give yourself permission to feel good.

You hear the term outcome independence a lot. On the surface, it seems counterproductive. How can you want something and at the same time not care whether you get it? Seems paradoxical. But here's the thing: you are supposed to want things. You are supposed to chase happiness. If you want to make a lot of money, then work your ass off for it. If you want to get laid every night, then do what it takes to make that happen. Outcome dependence and neediness come from how you feel when you DO NOT GET WHAT YOU WANT.

Say you set the goal to be a millionaire within two years. You fall short. You made a small chunk of change, but you had your heart set on your goal, and you failed. Now the question becomes: how much did you need to complete your goal? How do you feel now that it was not accomplished. Do you give up trying? Do you wallow in your own misery? Or do you say, I gave it my best shot, or maybe I didn't, but it is what it is. Let's face the facts. A goal like that is very much outside of your control. Things don't always work out in your favor. Sure, if you really really wanted it you could probably do it. But the fact remains: you didn't do it.

Same thing with getting blown out. Of course you wanted a certain outcome. You do not lie to yourself or anybody else about what you want. But outcome independence does not arise from not wanting anything. You are outcome independent when you chase after an outcome with the whole of your being, pour every effort into it, and then allow the chips to fall where they may. You work as hard as you can work, and then surrender to circumstance. You no longer care whether you get what you want as long as you did exactly what you know it takes to get it.

Say you study your ass off to get an A. And I mean really study, longer and better than you ever have before. Does it really matter what the grade looks like when all is said and done? The grade is a nice scale to rate yourself on, but wouldn't it be better to tie your self worth into something more, I dunno, within your complete control? Such as the quality of the work you put into the exam? Allow yourself to feel good about the work that you put into yourself and what you want. But use external factors only to gauge your progress, not as a measure of your self worth.

If you get blown out of set consistently, does that make you less of a man? Less of a person, less whole? Or is it simply an external circumstance that you can rate your progress on, but ultimately has nothing to do with WHO YOU ARE or WHAT YOU ARE WORTH. Sure, your interactions with others tend to be an expression of who you are. But you need to ask yourself: when you have a bad interaction with somebody, does that mean you are bad or worthless? Or is it just something to think about, maybe if it goes really bad you pick it apart to find out why, so that you can improve the next time.

To sum up, outcome independence arises when your self esteem is not tied up in the outcomes of your actions, but rather in the quality of your preparations, in how much effort and attention you put into the process of getting what you want. Because let's face it: if you want an outcome really badly, and then do nothing to make it happen, you have a pretty good reason to feel bad about yourself. Even then you shouldn't. (I don't think there's any valid reason for anybody to feel bad about themselves. Furthermore, when you feel good, you tend to have the motivation needed to make positive changes, another story for another time). But back to my point: it is at least reasonable in my eyes to tie your self esteem into what you do, and how well you do what you want to do to achieve the outcomes you want to achieve. It is completely unreasonable to base how you feel on circumstances that are out of your control.

A completely solid approach can go horribly wrong, sometimes you just get unlucky. You can work your ass off for an exam just to bomb it because all the wrong things showed up. It happens. That's life. Recognize the difference between the outcome and the work you put in to get that outcome. Observe the space between what you can control and what you cannot. You can shape interactions, but you cannot control them. Likewise, you can shape your surroundings and what you get out of the world, but you cannot control them. There is a limit to your reach. Know that limit, and live on that edge to push yourself, but relax and realize when things are simply outside of your control, and that you cannot blame yourself for them.